So you’ve just learned – through fair means or foul – that your significant other is into dressing like the opposite sex they were born. Maybe this came as a shock to you, maybe this was something you’d suspected for a long time, or maybe you were told in a face to face discussion by your beloved where they tried to answer your questions as best they could. No matter how you found out, you were a little curious so you hopped online to see what you could find.
There are several wonderful books out there about crossdressing (many of them listed in the store if you’re not sure where to start) already written to help you. But perhaps you’re not much of a reader or you’re confused and you want answers NOW. That’s what today’s post is for, to invite you in and stay awhile.
I don’t know what questions you had for your husband/wife/child/best friend. I know you are probably a little confused. Maybe you asked for clarification right away, maybe you were like me and wanted some space to sort things out in your head first before you asked the questions nagging at you. Maybe you’re a member of a strict/orthodox religion and are confused about how crossdressing mixes with your religion. You know what other people TELL you about crossdressing, but unless you’ve got your holy texts memorized for yourself, you can never be too sure, can you?
So that is a lot of concern! No wonder you came here!
First things first: you’re not alone. I don’t have any exact statistics on hand right now (my excellent library is currently packed in boxes ::sob::) and I’m not about to make them up, so we’ll have to wing it here, but I know at approximately fifty percent of the population has crossdressed at one point or another. How do I know THAT statistic off the top of my head?
Well, are you a woman?
Yes?
Are you currently wearing pants or have you ever worn pants or a button down men’s shirt?
Yes?
Then you’re crossdressing. Congratulations.
I can remember when I found out, I didn’t have guidelines or an internet full of good advice waiting for me. I had to sort everything out on my own, accompanied with fear of my strict Catholic family discovering that “the nice boy” I was dating strapped on heels at night. My initial reaction aside (which I’ll post later, though if you want a bare-bones breakdown, you can learn the basics in the FAQ) I was very confused. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, where to turn.
I had so many questions, like:
Was he gay?
Was he going to get his penis chopped off?
Did he wear panties?
Did his family know?
Why tell me NOW?
What was there for him to gain from telling me?
Is there a cure?
Does he even want a cure?
How does he manage it… he doesn’t shave his legs, wouldn’t that be gross under a skirt?
How could I hide this from my family?
He’s so skinny! Is he going to look better in tights than me?
Why me?
Should we break up?
Is he telling me this so we’ll break up?
Doesn’t he like me anymore?
Can I handle this?
Does this mean I have to deal with kinky sex now?
Crap, he’s staring, say something!
And many other varied thoughts and questions. My head was a whirlwind. I was at a loss. Luckily for me, after I’d gone away and done some heavy thinking, (and several hours of Eddie Izzard’s amazing comedy) I found my boy more than willing to answer any and all questions I had.
So we’ll start with the basics.
Gay
Being a crossdresser (CD) does not necessarily mean that your (husband, wife, child, or best friend) is gay. A large chunk of the CD community is entirely straight, they just like to feel pretty! Some commonalities between these (primarily) men are high-stress jobs. They have a really tough day at the office and like to come home and wear heels. Or, in other cases, they underdress, which is the term for wearing panties and/or bras under their fancy power suits. It’s a way to get through the day and to be true to themselves without risking their livelihood in the process. Also, again, it just makes them feel pretty.
Now, then again, your crossdresser may realize that they are, in fact, gay. If they are, and you’re currently in a heterosexual romantic relationship with them, then it’s time you two sat down and had a talk. I suggest looking up Dan Savage’s articles and seeing what he has to say on the subject. Also, when you’re having this talk, you don’t have to keep calm but you do have to keep a sense of perspective.
One suggestion a good therapist friend of mine suggested is to bring a timer into the talk and set it for ten minutes. Have a list of questions ready, ask a question, and start the timer. When the ten minutes are up, let them finish their answer (if it took that long), and step away for awhile. Take a break. Take some time to think about what THEY said and how THEY feel while you analyze you YOU feel. Remember, this is just as hard for them as for you! When you feel ready to come back and continue the talk, do so. Breaking up the extra hard topics like this may keep the conversation from becoming overwhelming too quickly. You don’t have to break up right away! Give it time, think it over, especially if you’re married and/or have children.
Keep in mind, almost everyone is at least a little bisexual. Your loved one may not actually be 100% homosexual and may either just tend towards the bisexual or may want to explore their homosexual urges or maybe they have just been in the closet for so long they don’t know what they are themselves. This is a time for communication for everyone. Relax, breathe deep, and talk. Agree that it’s okay to be angry at one another but no matter what, Keep Talking!
Now, again, I’m NOT a psychiatrist. I’m not a professional counselor. I’m not trained in any way, form, or fashion to give professional advice. I’m just a woman who’s been there. And all I have to say on the matter is that if you love each other and don’t want to break up, you don’t have to. You may end up in an alternative type of relationship, but if you love them and WANT to stay together then you DO NOT have to part. There’s nothing in this world that can’t be worked out without some patience, understanding, compassion, TIME, and good old communication.
Transgender
One of my big questions was, “Is he going to chop his penis off?” and “is he going to get that transgender surgery?” I think that the “is he gay?” question and “is he going to become a woman?” question came so closely together because I knew those would be the biggest tripwires in our relationship.
To be Transgender is simply to question the state of your personal “assigned” (born with) gender. It doesn’t imply any specific kind of sexual orientation (polite phrasing for it doesn’t matter if you like ladies or menfolk or ladies with menfolk parts or menfolk with lady parts or even folks who like to be androgynous just for the heck of it all), it’s all about what’s going down in your own personal pants and ignoring everyone else.
The point is, you can be transgender without going through sexual reassignment surgery (which is the part I know you’re curious about and will be explained in another post). Being a crossdresser doesn’t mean that your beloved IS transgender (TD). Like I’ve said in other posts, many crossdressers are straight, they just like the clothing. But, on the other hand, sometimes crossdressing is the first step towards being transgender. It all depends on the crossdresser in question.
In The End
These are two of the biggies, two of the main questions you’re going to want to iron out before considering if you want to split up for real. If you jump to a “break up” decision before actually considering these aspects, then you are missing out, I promise you. When it comes down to it, you’re going to have to explore your own boundaries and figure out what you as a person can and can’t live with. Sometimes these relationships work out, sometimes they don’t. But I promise you, if you don’t at least try, then how do you know for a fact it wouldn’t have been the most wonderful, exciting, and fun thing in your life?
I’m going to talk about my other questions in other posts, don’t worry. There’s more to this “getting to know your crossdresser” than those basic questions. I know that when I found out that my husband is / was a crossdresser that I was filled with questions. I know you are too. But if YOU have questions that you don’t feel you can ask your crossdresser or Dan Savage, feel free to email me using my contact form. This is the first time I’m opening myself up to offering advice* but… I’d really rather you ask SOMEONE rather than stew or brood.
* Again, not a therapist, counselor, or professional in any capacity! I will just offer my two cents!
Tags: advice, finding out, theory
