I’ve recently received several questions from folks who’d like some advice. Again, I’m not a therapist or professional in any capacity, but (after getting permission) I decided to post my response to one of the ones that touched me the most.
Question:
Dear TheWife,
My daughter is 19 years old and a lesbian. She must have some clues about me being transgendered. She has seen me in my satin pajamas, and has always known I read women’s magazines,Cosmo,Glamour,etc…. She also knows I shave parts of my body too. How do I tell her,when my wife is opposed to me telling her?
Hugs, Darlene
(Tennessee)
Answer:
Darlene,
Wow, that sounds really tough! 
I think the first and most important thing is to find out why your wife doesn’t want your daughter to know. Does your wife think that it would scar your daughter? Does your wife have an issue with your crossdressing that you two haven’t addressed together yet? Does your wife know about your daughter being a lesbian? Does she not want your daughter to know at all or does she just not want YOU to tell her for some reason? Is your wife ashamed of your crossdressing and/or wants to protect you from potential family drama? The reasoning is very important here.
Once you have the reason for the WHY, I suggest you talk to your wife about how important it is to you to be open with your daughter, how you feel about hiding your crossdressing from her, and how you think she probably already knows (or at least has guessed). Let your wife know that it’s bothering you to not have a concrete answer whether or not your daughter knows for sure.
Once you have all that worked out…
Well, if you think your daughter already knows, then she probably does! She might not know exactly where you fall in the realm of crossdressing (just CD all the way to TG) but I bet she’s got a clue what’s going on already.
Of course the most reasonable way to break it to her is to simply ask to have a talk with her about something important. HOWEVER, sometimes that’s a little too straightforward, right? Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe it. So you need an alternative.
My best suggestion is, the next time you and your daughter are out shopping together, ask her to duck into a ladies store and browse with you. When she’s browsing next to you, hold up a couple of female items and say, “I like these. I wonder if they have any in my size?”
If she looks at you oddly, tell her you’d like to have a talk but you’re worried because of reasons z, y, and x… (if you are worried at all!)
The important thing here is to not go behind your wife’s back. I know it’s very tempting to but actions like that can get a couple in trouble really really fast. If, in the end, your wife is still adamant about it and you are ABSOLUTELY SURE you still want your daughter to know, you’ve got a couple of alternative options:
1) Send your daughter to a crossdressing website (like this one) with a “you’ve got to see this amazing article” excuse. This is a sneaky way of opening communication and laying more “hint-hint” groundwork.
2) If your daughter mentions that she’s going to out to a lesbian club you could consider dolling up with a couple of friends and “accidentally” meeting her there. (Make sure you go with people you can trust!)
3) On my website I have a link to books on Amazon that are good for families of
crossdressers. You could pick out a good book to send her and send it to her as a “gift”. Make sure and address it to her and that there is no return address information. (Only do this if your wife is not in the habit of snooping through your daughter’s mail)
4) Or, alternately, purchase the book for yourself and leave it somewhere your wife won’t see it but your daughter will. There are several good “how to tell your family you’re coming out of the crossdressing closet” type books available.
5) If your daughter lives with you, consider accidentally mixing some of your underwear up in her laundry basket and seeing if she notices the difference.
6) “Accidentally” forward this email to your daughter with the subject “I got some advice and wanted to know what you thought about it”.
These are all hints to foster opening communication between you and your daughter. I really think, however, that the most important part isn’t the telling your daughter, but figuring out why your wife doesn’t want her to know. Your marriage is important and your daughter has many, many years to learn about your crossdressing. As I said before, if you think your daughter might at least have an idea… well, she probably does. Your wife, who (I assume) is the one you promised to have and to hold until death do you part, is the one you need to talk to first and foremost.
Good luck and feel free to let me know how it all turned out!
Sincerely,
TheWife
Tags: advice, family, finding out
