Emotional Repercussions – Changing Gender and the Emotional Toll on Friends and Family

Before I get into the meat of this post I have one major thing to say. I want you to read it, remember it, and recite it if you ever think differently.

Hormone Therapy Does NOT Make You Hurt Someone Else.

Simply put, if you’ve been hurt by someone on hormone therapy it’s not because of the drugs. It’s them. Take my word for it.

I recently read something I found to be rather disturbing regarding the emotional upheaval between a transgender individual and their spouse. Now, for those of you who read my blog pretty regularly, you know I’m 100% in the “do what you have to do to be happy” court when it comes to being transgender. It’s your body. It’s your right to do with it what you will.

But, on the other hand, I’ve been reading several upsetting posts on the internet in the past few days coming not from the transgendered but rather from their families. So this post is for them.

There is a difference – a MAJOR difference – between the normal ups and downs of hormone therapy and abuse. It is YOUR job as the family member or loved one of the individual undergoing said therapy to recognize which is which. I will be providing links down at the bottom of this post to help you if you can’t tell the difference on your own.

I am not saying that every person who decides to undergo hormone therapy is abusive. Far from it! Ninety-nine percent of these folks are wonderful, fabulous, responsible people who just want less hair, softer skin, higher voices, and lady bits. But there ARE some out there who use their hormone therapy as an excuse to cut loose with their emotional instability.

That is the big no-no here.

Look, it’s 100% okay to get emotional at one another during this gigantic change in your lives. It’s scary and it’s huge and it is potentially permanent (depending on your own specific medical plan). It’s completely acceptable to feel fear, anger, depression, gratitude, frustration, love, hate, disgust, jealousy, loneliness, joy, arousal, submission, aggression… you name it, it’s okay to feel it. That is what relationships, any and all relationships, are about. You find another person out there who you discover a connection with – be it strong or weak – and you explore that connection. You delve deep into what makes the two of you tick together, what drives you, what twists you up inside and spits you out on the other end. Sometimes that connection is positive – life, love, happiness, joy, giving, building, whatever – and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes those connections are joined based on fear.

If you are with someone not because you feel that you are a better person for knowing them and they are a better person for knowing you, but because you are afraid to be alone, then that is not a good, solid relationship. If you are with someone because they don’t support you but then again they don’t laugh at you, then that is not a good basis for a romantic relationship. If you are with someone because you can control how they feel about you, then THAT is not a good basis for a relationship.

What do I mean?

Okay, well, let me give you a few examples.

1 – Couple A: Husband is a crossdresser. Wife doesn’t know. Husband tells Wife and Wife freaks out, telling husband that he’d better stop or she’ll divorce him. Husband does his damndest to explain why, to explain when, to get her to understand the reasons and to see it from his point of view. Wife refuses. Wife insults him. Wife tells him he’d better stay quiet about it or she’ll tell his family or his boss. What is this? All together now, kiddos. This is an ABUSIVE relationship.

2 – Couple B: Husband is a crossdresser. Wife doesn’t know. Husband tells wife and Wife freaks out. Husband tries to explain why and Wife says she doesn’t want to know about it. Husband asks Wife to talk about it and she says she doesn’t want to talk about it so long as he keeps it to himself and doesn’t let their kids find out. He can do his “freaky shit” if he wants to but he’d better not borrow her clothes or let anyone find his lady clothes. Wife buries her nose in other things. What is this? This is a lot harder to define isn’t it? On the one hand she’s controlling him in a very base way, using his emotion for her to keep him from exploring himself openly. On the other hand, she isn’t trying to manipulate him into quitting. A Wife like this may eventually morph into a Wife A or a Wife B. It all depends on how the person is handled.

3 – Couple C: Husband is a crossdresser. Wife doesn’t know. Husband tells Wife and Wife doesn’t exactly freak out but she’s not ready to address the topic yet. Wife tells husband they’ll chat about it later and goes off and buries her nose in other things. When the Husband approaches the Wife later she says she’s still not ready to talk about it and can’t he give it a rest already? Eventually, if left alone for long enough and with very, very occasional, gentle and loving prodding from Husband, the Wife is ready to talk about it. What is this? Obviously NOT abusive.

4 – Couple D: Husband is a crossdresser. Wife doesn’t know. Husband tells Wife and Wife says, “Yeah, I sort of figured. Meh, whatever. Help me tell the kids/family/friends. Oh, and please quit borrowing my stockings please, they’re my favorite pair and you’re stretching them out. We’ll buy you a set of your own if you really like them.” What is this? A dream come true for most crossdressers and also not at all abusive.

Abuse is, in many ways, all about control. I’m not talking physical abuse though that is something to consider. I’m talking about emotional abuse. I’m talking about one person controlling another person either through words or actions, preying off their fears and insecurities in order to make the abusee do what they want, make the abusee not do what they don’t want, or (in extreme cases) control the abusee’s very mindset.

What do I mean?

Well, how many women in an abusive marriage leave and then come back, leave and then come back? Lots, right? Well, part of the reason for that is the psychological bond the abuser and the abusee have together. Domination and submission. You may not LIKE what your boss is telling you to do but it sure beats you coming up with the plans for yourself, doesn’t it? People, as a whole, are followers. There’ve been TONS of psychological studies to back this up. In order to protect the herd we’ve got one or two leaders and everyone else follows them. It’s ingrained. When we travel OFF that beaten path we feel fear, apprehension, worry. We want to be “normal”, we want to be “average”, we don’t want to “stick out”.

The abused are so scared of being alone, of losing something they think is important, that they willingly repeat the cycle of abuse over and over and over again just so that they don’t have to make a major change in their lives. Change is scary. Change shocks you out of your normal comfort zone. Change may alter you place in the pack hierarchy. Change leaves you open to confusion.

Either person in a relationship can be dominant. Either person can be abusive. Sometimes even both. (Codependency is real and not always nice.) When you get to know a person you get to know their weaknesses and their strengths. You learn how to fight dirty, so to speak, and you learn which buttons to push to elicit the reaction you want… and it’s not always the reaction that’s best for your relationship.

The key here is to ask yourself one pertinent question and to be 100% completely honest with yourself when you answer: Am I trying to control them?

-If you tell someone they can’t do something “just because”, you are being emotionally abusive and domineering. (And yes, I mean this in regards to kids too. You may not agree with it but it’s the truth. Sometimes you have to do so in order to actually do your job as a parent, but it’s still how you’re doing it.)
-If you tell someone that if they don’t do (X), then you will leave them, you are being emotionally abusive.
-If you ever EVER lay a hand on another person in anger in order to shut them up or get a reaction out of them, you are not only being EMOTIONALLY abusive you are also being PHYSICALLY abusive. I don’t care if it’s slapping them on the arm, you’re still abusing them.
-If you ever tell someone they can’t tell another person something about their lives because you are afraid of how it will reflect on YOU, then you are being emotionally abusive. (There IS a caveat to this. If you are telling your husband that he can’t tell HIS parents about his crossdressing because of what they’ll think of the two of you, that’s abusive. If you tell him that he can’t tell YOUR parents because of what they’ll think of you, that’s your right. If you tell him that he can’t tell your kids – the ones you had together – then that’s abusive. If you tell him he can’t tell your kids – the ones you had with another person – then that’s your right. Do you understand the distinction?)

Ultimately, this post was brought on because I’ve been reading several stories about partners who’re blaming the hormone drugs for spousal abuse. This is NOT TRUE. The drugs may make you unstable to some degree, yes. You may be feeling surges of emotion that you are unaccustomed to, yes. But there are a MILLION other ways to handle that emotion than laying hands on someone else without their consent. I don’t care WHAT they said. Provided they didn’t attack you first, keep the hands off, okay?

Oh, and ladies/significant others? Telling your spouse that they can’t find someone better than you is abuse. It’s also an asshole thing to do. Don’t do it, even if you’re afraid they’ll leave you, even if you think they can’t. They can and they will. And that person they find will not only accept them for who they are and support them, but they’ll also be WAY more understanding about every other aspect of their lives too. I guarantee it.

Links:
Suicide Hotline
Hopeline
Helpguide.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline

Ten Minute Suicide Guide – Take the time to read it.

Tags: advice, discussion, rant