So now that the important decision has been made, I’ve decided to crosspost a section of my original blog here so that people can know what we’ve been struggling with the past few days.
The First Post:
I have a cat on my feet and can do nothing about it. I love our two cats about 90% of the time. I do. Miko is old and dignified and Skeets is young and flexible and fun… mostly. But some days I’d happily throttle them if only they’d CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Kitty Crack Time is acceptable right before bed. I can get behind crazy running in the evening. I can NOT get behind crazy running chaos when I’m trying to write a post for CDWife. OY! I had all these wonderful, interesting things to say linking hope for the future and change and coherent sentences regarding the opportunities ahead of us as a civilization to further open the doors of acceptance for crossdressers and homosexuals and the transgendered. Instead I ended up babbling about how when old folks die there’s a vacuum of opportunity whereby new standards can now become the norm.
Ugh. I tried locking the hissing, fighting, cracked out kitties in the bathroom but the yowls did nothing for my creative juices. I disapprove. Mightily.
Either way, yeah, I know I can go back and change the post but that goes against what I’m trying to do with that blog. I’m trying to write off the cuff and edit very little. I’m trying to be genuine and if I allow my inner editor to have free reign then the blog wouldn’t be about living with a crossdresser and being a crossdresser’s wife, it would be about making everything “pretty” for the people who may not approve of what I’ve got to say. I don’t want to sanitize my message so I purposefully write, post, and go. It usually works… just not today.
On the bright side a reporter emailed me and wants to do a piece on being a crossdresser’s wife. I still need to talk it over with (Melanie) – the reporter wants to use pictures and I’m almost 100% sure (Melanie) won’t go for that – and also I need to think about it for myself. This is a real opportunity to show the world that there’s nothing wrong with being a crossdresser. This is a real opportunity to take some steps forward. However, when I started the blog, I knew I’d be doing it anonymously. I knew that my “budding career” as a YA writer wouldn’t be touched by my real life.
But now… I don’t know. This is really frightening. (The reporter) is talking about possibly taking this to Cosmo or Glamour. We’re not talking little press here. We’re talking world wide.
So I’ve got some thinking to do.
Scary, right? Well, I entertained a lot of advice and talked it over for hours and hours with Melanie. We talked circles around one another.
The Next Day:
I am almost positive that I am pregnant again. I don’t want to get my hopes up in case it’s stress or something like it. Also the longer you wait, the more HCG hormone is in your blood so the more likely the test will give a clear answer rather than a “wait for it…. yeah, I don’t know either”. Granted HCG doesn’t show up AT ALL if you’re not pregnant, but … meh.
If I am I may post it here, if not, I will post the results. If I am the reason for “may” is pretty straightforward. I don’t want to hear “congrats” and “I’m so happy for you” until I know I’m past the three month danger point. I got all excited before and it ended in heartbreak. Much more level-headed this time around.
As for hard decisions…
Well, part of the problem here is (Melanie). Bless her heart, she’s sometimes so vain as a girl. She vacillates wildly between fantasies of going on the talk show circuit and really helping people to absolutely KNOWING that if she tells ONE SOUL outside our normal group then her future will be UTTERLY RUINED. (Big dramatic sweeping gestures.)
She’s asked advice from her boss (whose brother is transgender). She hasn’t asked for advice from our friend Autumn, who IS transgender. Furthermore, it’s not like she herself is transgender… she just dresses up, which (no offense Autumn) from a HR perspective isn’t as out there as outright changing your gender (providing that Melanie doesn’t come to work dressesed out, which… though she wants to try… she isn’t ready for yet). Melanie’s boss fed her a bunch of doom and gloom and told her that she needs to have a year’s salary saved up just in case.
Melanie, who pinches pennies ’till Lincoln screams, did not like this advice. I have NEVER had an issue finding her a job before so I think that this advice is a little extreme. Understandable, but it’s not like she’s this no-talent schmoe. She’s this amazing, fantastic, high-level, OMG-we’ll-totally-ship-all-your-stuff-across-the-US-and-give-you-a-sign-on-bonus-if-you’ll-please-please-work-for-us talent. She can do her job from anywhere in the world in her underwear. Hell, she HAD the perfect telecommuting job BEFORE she got the offer to move to CA; she did it strictly to say that she worked at this company and to meet the top minds in the business.
But still… it’s terrifying. Being jobless now, even the threat of it… it is so unbelievably scary. I was a PM. I haven’t been able to land a job outside of small contracts here and there since August. The economy sucks and for non essential jobs and talents like mine… well, let’s put it this way. Running the counter at the local Taco Bell is starting to look MIGHTY appealing. I just need to learn to speak Spanish. (And no, that’s not a diss or me being racist, I grew up in South Texas, okay? Even the Burger King I got my first job at sounded like there was a quinsinera going on in the back. I actually sort of miss that job. Being sexy, sixteen, and surrounded by hot Latino guys. Sigh. Good times.)
Back on topic.
What stresses me out the most is that Melanie aches to go to work dressed up. I support her in this. If it’s what she wants then she should do it. But then she got razzed last week for going to work with black fingernail polish that she forgot to take off from the weekend and OMFG THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!(tm)
Things were idyllic two days ago and now everything is chaos and discord. No sir, I don’t like it.
What’s my opinion? Well, I vacillate. At the very least I think it would be disingenuous to do the article, to talk about what’s it’s like to live as a couple with one of us being a crossdresser, and not to back up our words with names and pictures. I think that it flies completely against the message of love and acceptance that I have been trying to show by example since day one. On the other hand, I do not and will not force Melanie on this. If she’s not ready then she’s not ready, case closed. I just wish she’d make up her fucking mind already because not only is she driving me crazy she’s quite literally making me sick from stress and if I AM pregnant, I do NOT want to be pumping stress hormones through my little bit.
If we show our faces at all, some part of our real names MUST be included. It can be middle name and my maiden name, first name and last name, first name and my maiden name… any combination thereof. Otherwise they can use stock photography of crossdressers brave enough to put their faces out there and pseudonyms. Right now that’s the direction I’m leaning out of sheer fatigue with the situation.
I’m tired and weary and sad. I feel like this is such a potentially bad situation and I wish it didn’t have to be. Part of what I’m fighting for at CDWife is the freedom to be who you want to be, to wear what you want to wear without fear of reprisal. I wish people would just GET OVER IT already. It’s just clothing, folks. What does it hurt you if my husband decides to wear a skirt to work? It doesn’t. It doesn’t diminish YOU in any way, so why not let him do what makes him happy? Why is it such a freaky thing?! I mean, jeeze, women wore skirts for CENTURIES and one war made pants acceptable. Do we have to send our soldiers out in drag? It’d sure piss off and unnerve the enemy. I think we should try it. Give us that emotional edge. Miniskirts and hand grenades, who’s with me?
I’m tired and weary and sad. I want to go home. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and who won’t make me feel like a sell out for not encouraging Melanie to do the right thing, instead letting her do the easy thing because of fear.
Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting her be afraid. She’s always afraid. Every time she’s stepped forward in the past six years have been times that I have been there with a hand on her back (figuratively speaking) where I won’t allow her to step backwards but she has to take that next step forward on her own.
And I’m not doing that here. I’m letting her hide if she wants to hide, to cower in the shadows, and I’m letting her do it in freaking SFBay CALIFORNIA, probably one of like three places on earth where she could go outside wearing a gold loincloth, hopping on a pogo stick, with blue warpaint on and no one would even glance twice.
GRUMP. I suck.
So what was the ultimate decision? Well, I did the interview and we are going to use pseudonyms and stock photographs. I don’t like it but, like I said, Melanie’s not ready and I’m going to give her all the space she could ever need to figure out the next step as she sees fit. Hopefully everything will pan out. If not, well, you’ll probably find me complaining here. Especially if our world ends. lol If so, don’t be surprised if google ads suddenly appear in the margins or I start asking around for sponsor ideas. Currently my numbers are still really low and google ads don’t pay much but in this economy every little bit counts.
Either way, once it’s published I will let everyone know.
Tags: crosspost, discussion, musing, rant
[...] I posted an update on the interview situation. I wanted to let those who were curious know what the heck was going on and also to [...]
[...] may remember a few days ago where I posted about an interview that I’d agreed to do. The interview was looking at the life of a crossdresser from a [...]
Well then, I’d like to share what I found upon coming to your site. I found Melanie to be a great communicator, especially where he communicates his “problem” to his girlfriend, and here, like 15 or more years later you guys are together?
And TheCrossdressersWife is the same girl who said, “Oh, okay” to your secret…Candy is your wife of today. I learned, about acceptance on the deepest level from you guys.
Thanks!
Oh, I don’t mind at all. That’s actually the intention of the article. It’s not about me at all, it’s about TheWife and the mental process she went through, and how we emotionally got to where we are today.
It’s true that I’m a little vain (I think I’m cute, so nyah
) and that I’d love to see myself in a magazine if I’d get compliments out of it, but TheWife exaggerates a bit.
This is TheWife’s moment in the sun and the whole point of the article (from our perspective) is to get the word out so that wives can see that the clothes don’t really matter, the person inside does. Finding out your hubby’s a CD isn’t the end, it could be a beautiful beginning. The idea is to help other people find love and understanding, not for me to be a diva.
Just wanted to share that
I agree. It’s not about Melanie being a diva but my frustration stemmed from our wavering on the subject. One minute we were for names and faces and the next, against. All in all, Melly’s been very supportive of this blog (which is about supporting her. lol)
Here’s my suggestion…and Melanie’s not going to like it one bit. The angle I find most impressive is not Melanie’s transgenderism, it’s CrossDressersWife building community.
I think you should stick to your original game plan, because crossdressing’s interesting and all (those videos are gold)…but, it’s CrossDressersWife’s coming out of the closet and connecting with women, CDWs and not, that will have the greatest reception.
If it’s not too late, suggest that angle to the reporter. But only if you’re ambitious like that.