First of all, this is a rant. If you don’t want to read it, don’t. I’m not going to apologize for my stance on anything here, I’m not going to take any of this back. I may even turn off comments simply out of a desire to have my say, get it off my chest, and get back to the daily work of living my own darn life.
(Before you read the rant, I would like to prove that I have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Comic added for “epic lawls”.)
OMG!!! Someone Is Wrong on the Internet
Yesterday I posted an update on the interview situation. I wanted to let those who were curious know what the heck was going on and also to express a little sadness that anonymity was not acceptable when it came to talking about something like my own f-ing life. Part of the post was choosing to honor the request of the reporter who wished to interview me and post his interview offer here.
In a nutshell, he’s looking to interview the significant others of CDs, TGs, and the Androgynous. Anyone who had to come to terms with living a life that is “not quite normal to the rest of the world” yet. This was an opportunity for the rest of the world to look through the eyes of the partners, not the eyes of the CD/TG/ect. It was an opportunity for us to band together.
I posted my update in three places: 1) here, 2) a community dedicated to CD specifically, and 3) a community dedicated to the partners of TG.
Which locale do you think I got my head bit off at? Here? The community for the CD? Nope. It was the partners, the partners, who reamed me a new one and claimed I was doing it for PUBLICITY!!!
Oh. My. God.
Listen, folks, I’ve had this blog for less than a month and I already pull in over 1000 hits a day, okay? I couldn’t care less about publicity. Do you SEE any ads here? No. There’s one link for a TG-oriented hair salon on the right hand side over there and I put that there because I think it’s important for the TGs and CDs and just EVERYONE to have a safe place to go get pampered without being stared at. I’m not getting a kickback from Carla, she’s not sponsoring me, I have her there because I think she offers a good service and I think that’s important. The only way I would ever put up ads or donation requests is if I hit my bandwidth limit or went over (which may yet happen this month, I’m awfully close, but we’ll see.)
Either way, I’m not doing this for money or publicity. I’m doing this blog out of love. Love for Melanie, who is the light of my life; love for the community, which is filled to brimming with wonderful, honorable, charismatic and kind people; and love and consideration for all the relationships out there that may be tottering on the edge and might be drawn back to a balanced place by this community and the people in it.
So what grinds my gears, what pisses me off, is when this selfsame community gets up on a high horse over what essentially amounts to nothing. Over PHRASING. O. M. G.
It’s separatist, it’s antagonistic, and it’s wrong. Let me explain.
We, as the partners of CD/TG/Androgynous or whatever, fill this odd niche in the lives of our partners. We are lovers, confidants, potentially parents of their children, best friends, and (sometimes) worst enemies. Nothing is more heartbreaking and painful than coming out to your lover and being rejected by them. Nothing.
CD/TG/Whatever has broken up TONS of marriages. I’ve heard a horror story for Every Day Of The Week In A Year, people. We are the ones who said, “Lover, I know society looks down on us for who you are and how you choose to live but I don’t care. I’m sticking with you anyway.” You would think that we, as a group, would be supportive of one another.
Apparently, you would be wrong.
The major complaint I received went a little something like this:
I respect that your partner is a cross-dresser, and I can understand you wanting to support people who have partners who are trans-gendered, but folks who are trans are not (necessarily) cross dressers (I say necessarily, because I know some trans-gendered folks who are cross-dressers, but it has little to nothing to do with them being trans).
My point is that being trans is *not* the same as being a cross-dresser (just like being trans does not mean that you identify as being gay).
Big. Honking. Sigh.
While I completely respect the tone (no outright flaming, no “you stupid git” name calling) what upsets me is that it’s this sort of separation that makes me cringe. The point of the matter is simply that some transgendered people crossdress. Some crossdressers identify with being transgendered. Some transgendered people are homosexual and some are not. Either way, we are the partners of people who society isn’t comfortable with. Why the need to outline the differences, especially over something so small?
What I don’t get, what stresses me out the most, is this NEED in the community to FURTHER separate ourselves out into these teeny, tiny little packages. Crossdressing isn’t the same as being transgendered which isn’t the same as being homosexual which isn’t the same as being queer which isn’t the same as being a drag queen, yada yada yada until my head could fucking explode. You know what? I KNOW THAT. You KNOW THAT.
You know who DOESN’T know that? Mrs. My-Husband-Just-Came-Out. She doesn’t know. You know who else doesn’t know? Mr. My-Son-Does-What?!
So guess who that article was for? It wasn’t for YOU. It wasn’t for ME. It’s for THEM. The new ones to this world. The wives and parents and siblings and cousins and children and best friends. The ones who just found out and who are probably considering LEAVING their partners or possibly DISOWNING THEM because they don’t understand that the sky is not, in fact, falling.
The point I’m trying to make is that we’re not that different. Why in the hell do we further separate ourselves out so that each tiny slip of the tongue is this major world-shattering, OMG-I’m-obviously-pissing-on-your-very-way-of-life event?
Are we HONESTLY that special? Yes, our lovers and our family members and our friends wear clothing that would probably get them lampooned on the Daily Show or the Colbert Report. Yes, how they choose to live their lives would probably send Rush Limbaugh into an apoplectic fit. Yes, they may choose to undergo major surgery in order to feel comfortable in their own skins.
ALL THAT ASIDE, they’re not that fucking different!
One of my best friends, Autumn, is TG. You know what she likes to do for fun? She plays D&D, codes, and p0wns n00bs in Halo 3. She did that when she was male and she does it when she’s female. Do you know what Melanie (my CD spouse) does for fun? She plays D&D, codes, and begs me for an XBox 360 like Autumn’s so she too can head-shot n00bs into oblivion.
Autumn likes shopping. Melanie likes shopping. Autumn has a boyfriend. Melanie has me. Are you following me here? Do you understand what I’m trying to lay out? It doesn’t matter.
Those little differences that seem so big when you’re in your own community on the internet don’t matter to the world as a whole. As mad as it makes me, right now the world sees us, all of us, partners and gender-different alike, as a bunch of freaks. I don’t like it, I don’t agree with it, but even in San Fransisco we still get lookie-loos when we go out and until we, as a community, band together and get our shit together, it’s going to stay that way.
Opportunities like that interview don’t come along every day. ESPECIALLY an opportunity where the reporter not only gives the right of refusal (i.e. you, the interviewee has final editorial decision over whether or not the article goes to print the way it is) but also pays for your story. Anyone who does this, anyone who decides to put themselves out there, is showing the world that our community is not freaky, is not weird, that we love and fight and screw and take out the trash just like normal couples.
The reporter is not my friend. The reporter is a man who lives in England, who contacted me out of the blue and who I researched to make sure he was on the up and up. He wanted to give the wives, the partners, the Other Half a voice. All the attention is lavished on the CD, the TG, but what about the grease in the wheels? What about the wives? The ones who hold their hands when the new skirt doesn’t fit, the ones who remind them to take their hormone pills, the ones who put up with mood swings and recriminations and self-esteem and potential family strife? The ones who aren’t embarrassed by the looks our spouses get, but rather get defensive and protective?
We have an opportunity to get our say, to tell the world that our spouses may be a little different on the outside but that in all the ways that count our marriages are just as strong or stronger than a more “traditional” marriage. We have an opportunity to tell the world that there’s nothing weird about our lives and that in fact we have more in common with our “traditional” sisters than we do different.
My crossdressing husband doesn’t take out the garbage either, that’s what I’m trying to say. And until they recognize that, they are still going to begrudge us our lifestyles and look down on us and think we are less than them.
To belittle the opportunity to change even one mind, to belittle that chance… it just makes me sad.
Now, all that aside, yes I could have tailored the entry for the community blog a little more carefully. I’m sorry that I didn’t. If I hurt any feelings, that wasn’t my intention. Still… there are more important things in life, folks. Get over yourselves and explain, not flame.
Rant done.
Your turn.
Shout out.
Finally, I present Gabriel’s Internet Fuckwad Theory. I think it sums up how I feel right about now.
A Valid Point, I Think
Tags: debate, discussion, interview, rant
Humans… they’re retarded by nature. Hell I even go far enough to include everyone that’s different from society’s “normal” in the same group. Polygamists, TG, CD, whatever kink/desires you’re into, homo, handicapped, atheist, non-white (at least in many parts of america still). We’re all people… people that are currently, at one time, and will be discriminated against because we don’t fall into the cis-gendered heterosexual white vanilla pudding… the divide between the TG / gay community is the one that makes me the saddest. Equal rights is everyone’s fight. Fighting amongst ourselves is counter-productive.
On a more positive note you make me chuckle… now if you’ll excuse me it’s only 11:30 so ima get a good hour of xbox in :p
I may be simply blowing smoke here but my thought is the need for the division is out of the innate need to be unique. As much as people need and want to feel like they’re not alone they at the same time have to be different. Whether it be out of a need to feel superior to others or out of some type of denial that they don’t have it as bad as others people will label themselves to seperate themselves from those they deem different.
Naturally not nearly everyone is like this but it sadly happens just the same. Think of it as “I’m trans-gendered, I need the support and help and attention because I’m going through the process of changing the body I was born with to that which is a match for the person I truly am trapped in here… Not just somebody wearing a dress and pretending”, or “I like to embrace my feminine side so I live my life en femme but I’m still a man and am not going to drastically change my physical body”, or even “I like to wear satin panties because they’re relaxing and are more comfortable than men’s underwear”.
Ultimately it is all unnecessary and does nothing more than hurt individuals and the community as a whole.
I’ll stop blowing smoke now. Though when we grab gold I may have to take my chances and see if I can avoid getting pwned by Autumn and eventually Melanie… I’ll take in all comers in rock band though.
You’ve put together a great community here and should be proud because regardless of TG/CD/androgeny you are a calming and comforting voice to all of us who feel lost and alone.
I feel your frustration as well. I don’t understand the division myself, but as the wife of a cross dresser, I want to thank you for what your doing. Your support for women like me is invaluable. About a month ago, I actually did think the sky was falling, and that my wonderful marriage was over as soon as it started. I felt alone, and isolated, and there was no way to see the end. I wondered if he was gay, if he had lied to me over all our years we had known each other. It’s people like you, and Melanie that helped me see that it was going to be okay. The world was not ending. My husband likes to wear skirts and stockings…big hairy freaking deal. It doesn’t change the person who’s under the clothes. You helped me see that, and I thank you endlessly for it.
Don’t let them get you down hun. Hold your head high, and know that you are doing awesome work here. And there will always be women like me who need your help, and appreciate your honesty *hugs*
Don’t let it get you down, the community that surrounds you is the community that you create. Just because seven voices say they prefer to be exclusive, doesn’t mean YOUR voice is any less important or valid. You have a solid ground as Wife of a Crossdresser, which to me translates into, somebody’s wife.
I don’t know why people create divisions that interfere with community and bonding, but I understand your frustration. Because I’ve been there too.