I’m not complaining… but being a mom is HARD. Like, holy cow, I regret every bad thing I’ve ever said about my mother (especially those persnickety teen years) hard.
I’m lucky in that my husband is many, many synonyms with awesome and hard-working. He makes my life easier in so many important ways. The only problem? Handling a six-month baby who’s started to CRAWL ALREADY doesn’t leave a lot of time for things like Melanie. Now, granted, he knows that if he really needed some Melly time I would work hard to get it for him… with the understanding that I’d get equal amounts of time for me.
That’s how relationships work, folks. And I’m getting more and more emails in my inbox from women – wives, girlfriends, even an ex-wife or two – who all are asking me the same thing over and over again: Why Is My [Crossdresser] So Selfish?
My response? To go to my husband and say, “Hey sweetie? Umm, why were you so selfish?” Because, you see, he was for a time too. That changed, obviously, in that my big complaint is that there just aren’t enough hours in the day anymore, but early in our relationship, yeah, I had problems with a “selfish ‘man’” too.
His response was long and varied and somewhat apologetic. I didn’t exactly have a tape-recorder on me at the time but here’s the gist of it:
While your Crossdresser has had (at most) their whole lives to come to terms with their crossdressing, you’ve only been given… oh, the time between when you found out and when you decided to type in “Crossdresser’s Wife” into Google. For some of you… hours. For others, years.
I know that it feels like it’s still not enough time and that it might never be enough time to come to terms with it.
Here’s how the feeling was described to me:
Imagine that you’ve felt lost in some essential way your entire life. Imagine that you were (for example) Amish, and it’s time for Rumspringa. You go out into the world, to experience it, and in doing so you put on a pair of pants for the first time in your life… THE FREEDOM! Your legs don’t chafe when you walk, the fabric is silky against your flesh, there is no encumbrance, no weight dragging you down. Some part of you, some secret, quiet part, exalts in the realization that this, this feeling of freedom right here, was what was missing your entire life. Yes, it’s only clothing, but in many ways the clothing symbolizes who you are in a core way mere words can never outline. The pants are freedom. The right to wear the pants is freedom.
And for men? The right to put on the skirt in the privacy of their own homes is the freedom too.
So why the (perceived) selfishness?
Imagine you’ve found that freedom.
Imagine you’re wearing those pants, maybe you even had to sneak around to wear the jeans or tights, to feel that freedom, even if it’s only temporary, but you love someone so much that you want to share who you are, who you REALLY are at your core, with them.
Now imagine that person (tentatively!) doesn’t ridicule you.
Imagine that they encourage the pants-wearing.
Would you only want to wear the pants for an hour a day? Two hours?
Or would you wear those damn pants Every Chance You Got? Would you push to wear the pants more often? If they made you feel more yourself? If they made you feel better, stronger, more capable?
And how would you feel about that person if they supported your pants-wearing… but only at first?
Look, ladies, I’m not saying that your husband should flaunt society and wiggle into a miniskirt for Thanksgiving Dinner. There ARE limits. But before you get angry at him for pushing his boundaries, remember that he trusts you and loves you enough to show you who he really is inside. He’s vulnerable and excited that you’re letting him be himself. I know it’s hard to walk a mile in his stilettos (especially since they’re SO uncomfortable!) but keep trying, okay?
It’s worth it in the long run, I promise.
(Additional Note: There will be a future post to our gentlemen friends, don’t you fret. In the meantime, boys/girls, keep in mind that you’ve got a GOOD THING in your girlfriend/wife/friend who is willing to put up with your fledgling forays into the world of crossdressing. Don’t dive in too deep and forget to keep their feelings in mind… especially if you want to keep them around… and open-minded. Just food for thought.)
Hi!
Congratulations! Enjoy every moment, they do go so fast. Yesterday our eldest turned 30, and the memories of that moist warm bundle still endure.
Anyhow, welcome back…and don’t let the hatemongers or the untutored get you down. (women can’t cross dress indeed!)
Diane
Diane
I did read the entire post and the overall message is quite clear. I didn’t dwell on the title other than one tiny sentence. If I had, then I’d have listed a whole load of other issues that I have with this post.
Yes, I “admit” that I didn’t read what else you have written. That is why my comment concerns THIS POST. You really can’t expect all readers to read everything you’ve ever written before they understand one post fully. Then you should just have one enormous page. I deliberately said that I won’t judge your views until I’ve read your other posts to make clear that I’m upset about this post and not you as a person. I hope that was clear enough.
I find it strange that you are so upset with my comment though. Yes I was quite aggressive but that is because I was upset by your post. If I had just misunderstood you, then you only had to clarify that but instead you go on the counter attack. Why?
Maybe it is just a misunderstanding. Perhaps you’re a kind and caring person but this post is definitely not and neither is your response to my comment.
There we have it: “As a man you shouldn’t…”. Great. While were at it, what else shouldn’t I do as a man in your opinion?
If being a man somehow disqualifies me from saying that women suffer in those countries, then perhaps you’ll allow me to say that crossdressers get a beating there too. Oh, and standard heterosexual men also aren’t immune to sadistic inhuman treatment.
Oh and crossdressers have had far worse than just funny looks even if that is the common thing today. You just don’t have a right to judge that and say “oh its not so bad” – not as someone who is never subjected to those problems and never will be. That’s the only reason I drew a comparison to Islamic extremist nations. The group that is unaffected cannot and should not judge those who are. I could give you a dozen other examples but I’m sure you get the point.
The last two paragraphs of your comment kind of talk past me as I’m fortunately not in that situation and I’ll try hard to never get into it. If his sexual desire is to crossdress, how does that disable him from fulfilling yours? Are they mutually exclusive? I can’t understand how unless you need him in men’s clothes but that makes your desire just as clothes-oriented as his and who is to decide which is less perverted just because one of them is more common? In that case you would have to arrange yourselves but that sounds like a couple where one is gay and the other is not.
And FYI, if you choose a provocative title like that, then the side effect is that readers are going to take many things differently to how you might have intended. Imagine, somebody wrote an article titled “why women are dumb”. Even if the article itself is totally fair and non-sexist, people would still interpret it as a misogynist article because the title forces them into that frame of mind.
I’m sorry but I find this post upsetting. First you treat crossdressing as some kind of pathology that causes problems. The only problems with crossdressing are caused by other people, not the crossdresser. Then you go on to put crossdressers on the defensive. The title says it all.
If you can’t understand crossdressing, then perhaps it has something to do with the fact that women cannot crossdress. Why? Because the world is open to you wearing what you want – regardless of gender expression. Today’s women, like you, have NEVER experienced fashion suppression of this kind and it’s not fair to be judged by people like you from a position of greater freedom.
Why don’t you try living in a society that forces you to cover your head and forbids make up? That might give you some much needed perspective. Or just see how you feel if your husband forbids you to wear trousers. It’s always easy to judge when you’re in a position of strength so please resist the temptation to abuse that strength for leverage in your relationship.
Then you justify all the judging by separating his crossdressing time from time where he’s being a good husband – as if those were mutually exclusive. How does wearing women’s clothes prevent him from helping around the house?
I’m going to read your other posts before I finally decide what I think of your views but this one doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Fortunately there are some women who do get it right like the one who wrote
this understanding article about crossdressing
Fluffy,
I think you read the title of the article and pulled your own conclusions from that alone, or read it with a bias. That is understandable, I purposefully picked an incendiary title. Take ten minutes and read it again, more carefully this time, before commenting that you’re offended and that I clearly don’t understand. By your own admission you’ve not read the site fully and thus you know nothing about me or my position on crossdressing in relationships. Next time read further before getting judgmental.
And just a hint – as a man, YOU really shouldn’t preach about what happens to women in such countries. There’s a big difference between being looked at oddly on the street for being a man and wearing a skirt and being buried up to your shoulders in sand with palm-sized rocks thrown at your head until you DIE because you did any number of things to offend the prophet Muhammed. Seriously, man, uncool.
Finally, Dan Savage said it best:”Drive off an understanding, adventurous partner by failing to joyfully accommodate his or her desires for vanilla sex and you will NEVER get your kinky rocks off again without having to pay a pro $500 an hour to put up with your bullshit.”
It’s not a pathology, but it is (for many men) a sexual desire. Which realistically puts it in the realm of “his time” vs “her time”. If you’re one of those crossdressers who is NEVER EVER aroused by wearing woman’s clothing, good on you. But if you’re one of the many who wants your crossdressing to become part of your SEXUAL relationship with your S.O., then you need to meet their sexual needs to – be they vanilla or otherwise.
To The Wife,
I like what you have to say. My significant other is a crossdresser. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with it, but your post and the pants analogy gave a nice perspective to remember. Thanks. Keep writing, there are not enough women sharing this topic.
Congrats on the baby, and yeah there is no way to describe to someone how hard it is. Some how the tough stuff fades and the angelic face rises to you, and then you wind up with three like me!
lynnd
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