FAQ

Are you really the wife of a crossdresser and not some guy pretending to be?

I really am a woman married to a crossdressing male.  Right now I’m using the pen name “The Wife” simply because my husband hasn’t told anyone at work about his predlictions and I respect his privacy.  If that should change, at any point, I will “go public” with my identity and post a picture of myself and my sweetie.

When/how did you discover your husband was a crossdresser?

I was very lucky in that there’s no horror story for how I found out.  Early in our relationship my husband – then boyfriend – and I decided to take our relationship to the next level.  (In less puritanical terms, we had “the sex”).  Blissed out during the post-coital snuggling phase I was horrified when my sweetie began crying.  Holy cow!  Was I that bad?  He said that he had been wanting to tell me something for weeks, to admit to something very big, but he had been scared that I was going to leave.  Naturally, at this point, terrible things were going through my head – what could be THAT BAD?!  Literally, I was getting images of violence (did he kill someone?), kink beyond my level of understanding (oh, please, please, nothing scary like snuff porn), and various other unpleasant imagery.  You can imagine my surprise when the BIG DEAL turned out to be merely crossdressing.  I wacked him for scaring me so badly.  Now, that’s not to say I was immediately 100% okay with it.  There was definetly some work that needed to be done on our relationship before we were as happy and well-adjusted as we are today.   But it wasn’t an immediate “Oh Noes! The Apocolypse hath cometh!!!” situation and it doesn’t have to be for you either.

What do you and your husband look like?

Well, I’m a reasonably attractive curvy girl with brown hair, brown eyes, and fairly large tracts of land.  (And remarkably straight teeth if I do say so myself. lol) I’m a bit of a tomboy, so I tend towards jeans or comfy pants and a tee shirt or nice blouse.  I don’t wear a lot of makeup (I had a ‘competitive’ phase where I tried to out-girl him and it failed miserably) and I generally wear my hair in a simple ponytail.

My sweetie is smaller than I am, a delicately made little thing (and don’t think that hasn’t caused some grief over the years, let me tell you) who “can pass” for the most part.  His lady-self has a good selection of wigs, so the color and style changes day to day, but the natural hair color is dark brown and the natural eyes come in a very pretty shade of grey-blue, if I do say so myself.  His style when not dressed up coincides with my own – shirts and jeans – but Melanie tends towards the emo or gothic look when going out on the town.

What do you two do for fun?

Well, it depends.  Being a crossdresser doesn’t preclude regular activities, it simply adds on a whole long list of new and fun things to go do together!  We still do our normal day-to-day things (chores, chats, work, and the like), we’re working on getting pregnant right now, and once every couple weeks Melanie gets dressed up and I take her out for a night on the town.  This usually means dinner and a movie, though sometimes we go dancing or meet up with friends for a game night.  I used to HATE shopping with Melanie but now I love it!  You are never, ever going to find anyone more enthusiastic about helping you find “that perfect something” than your crossdressing husband.  Feeling fat?  They can completely understand.  Having problems with that hair you just can’t reach to tweeze?  They’ll help and sympathize AND you don’t have to feel gross since they usually have way more hair to deal with.

We enjoy playing D&D together, LARPing, playing CoH/CoV MMOs, or just kicking back and reading.  Most importantly, we’re best friends, and all the crossdressing and “other stuff” is secondary to that.

Does your family/friends/bosses know?

Both our families know all about it.  I come from a very religious background so my family had a harder time of it than Melanie’s family did, but they eventually came to the conclusion that Melanie loves me and would never, ever do anything to hurt me so that made her okay in their books.  Melanie’s father is also a crossdresser, so by time Melanie began showing interest in following in his footsteps it was fairly easy to tell the family.

Our close friends all know and support us.  We’ve had crossdressing parties, where all the guys come in drag and all the girls bound our chests and wore baseball caps or other hats to cover our hair.  It’s fun and surprisingly liberating.  Due to current trends in social norms, most people don’t realize this, but any woman who wears pants is technically crossdressing.  Slap a loose football jersey over a pair of tattered jeans, jam your hair under a baseball cap, and you’re crossdressing!

Melanie doesn’t feel comfortable telling her employers about her crossdressing yet and, since I respect her wishes, that is the reason for the slight secrecy on this blog.  I CAN say that Melanie works in the IT industry in Silicon Valley but we only recently moved here from the midwest.  We’re talking homegrown, corn-fed crossdressing here.

Do you have any kids?

Currently, no, we’re trying to get pregnant right now.  I was pregnant in 2008 but miscarried late in the year.  No one was more supportive than Melanie and without her I’d be lost.  So, when our little bundle of joy does come into our lives, this will be a learning experience for ALL of us!  You’ll get to read first hand accounts of what it’s like to raise a child in a crossdressing household and I’ll get to, well, raise a child!  Win-win!  For those of you who have questions on how to “break it” to your children, I am currently developing a very wide network of crossdressing friends in just your situation and will be offering them a chance to guest blog here and offer the tips, hints, and advice you may need.

Is your husband transgender?

No, Melanie is not TG, nor is she gay.  When, early in the relationship, I questioned her as to her desires in that direction, she responded with a very memorable quote:

“Just because I like putting on a skirt it doesn’t mean I want to erase what’s under it.  My boys are staying right where they’re at, thank you very much.”

Have you ever heard of Eddie Izzard?

Yes, yes I have.  He is a trailblazer IMHO and I thank him for his wonderful career.  If he hadn’t chosen to be a comedian I might not have dealt with Melanie’s announcement with half the aplomb I did.  If you simply say to yourself, “He’s a male tomboy” suddenly things make SO much more sense!  There’s nothing wrong with being a tomboy and there’s nothing wrong with being a crossdresser.  YOU like to feel pretty, what’s wrong if your beloved wants to feel the same way?

What’s your opinion on being Transgendered?

I am, you’ll find, a very live and let live sort of person.  I don’t go into your house and tell you what to do with your gun (other than to be safe, reasonable, and intelligent about its use) so I know I greatly appreciate when others show me the same courtesy.  If someone feels they need major surgery in order to be happy, so long as they’re being safe about choosing their medical provider, whose business is it to tell them what they can or cannot lop off?  Do you go up to every woman with obviously fake breasts and get in their face?  Of course you don’t!  That’d be rude.  Give the same consideration to the transgendered.  They’ve got feelings too.

You’re going to hell!  You’re going to burn in a lake of fire!  Sinner!!! Sinner!

Though that’s not technically a question, I feel the need to address it anyway.  Ahem.  “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.  What you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

Or, for a more mature and reasonable response, I appreciate the fact that you have an opinion on this matter.  Thank you for addressing it to me, your points have been taken into consideration, but this is my life – not yours – and I shall live it the best way I see fit.  You’ve made your point.  Please leave.  Thank you and have a nice day.  :)

Are you religious?

Oh no-no-no.  I used to be.  Growing up in a Catholic family, I was positive that one day I would be a nun.  I started training when I was nine, saying over five hundred Hail Marys and Our Fathers a night.  This tickles Melanie to no end.  She thinks it’s hilarious that her mellow, relaxed wife once firmly believed she was going to hell for all eternity because I was too tired to pray one night and fell asleep before my absolutions.

The thing is… I just want to help people.  I realized I didn’t have to be a nun to do that.  Also, I’ve spent many years circling the whole “place in the universe” thing and I came to the conclusion that “I don’t know”.  I think it’s sheer arrogance to think that the human mind could even begin to grasp what could exist outside this physical life.   Anything beyond the honest “I don’t know” should require years of self-reflection.  Instead most people pick up religion the way they pick up politics… because their parents were that denomination or held that political belief.

In a nutshell, I am – at best – an agnostic-diest.  I think there IS a creator out there somewhere who set this universe in motion and then went on lunch break.  I belive 100% in evolution.  I think that once things got rolling, once the primordial soup got stirred, then the creator stepped back and it just watching how it all unfolds for shits and giggles.  I think this life is a learning experience and I think wasting it by being crazy and accusitory is senseless.  I think we should all live and let live and try to seed a little love along the way.

Melanie, in case you were wondering, declares herself to be a devoted Erisian.  I don’t ask anymore, I just let her do her thing.

Wow, you must be some kinda hippie, huh?

Again, that’s not really a question, but I’ll take a second to address it, sure.  I’m not quite certain what you mean by “hippie”.  There are all sorts of ideals that I do ascribe to that are left over from the love generation, sure, but I’m not one of those folks who’s militant about what I believe.

1 – I don’t do drugs.  Of any sort if I can help it, though I do occassionally take an Advil when I need to.  I have never used marijuana in any capacity, I rarely drink alcohol, and I don’t smoke cigarettes.  If you want to put that stuff in your body, go ahead, I won’t judge you, but I don’t do it myself and being around it makes me uncomfortable.  Ironically enough, I dated a drug dealer in high school and hung out with the stoner crowd for several years.  Proof that “just say ‘no’” sometimes actually works.  Do I think “the drugs” will kill me?  Of course not.  I simply have no interest.  My mother’s French, so I got to drink all the wine I felt like growing up.  This basically made it so I really don’t bother with alcohol today.  Who’d a thunk it?

2 – I DO believe in living as green a lifestyle as is financially feasible.  Recycle, reduce, reuse.  Use sites like Freecycle or Craigslist or Ebay if you’re thinking of purchasing an item or you want to get rid of one.  If you do buy new, make sure you do some research and buy an item with the Energy Star logo.Support your local library, donate when you’ve got a little extra to give.  Walk more often, or ride a bike.  Start a compost heap and grow your own veggies.  Write your congressman!  Plant a tree.  Do these little things and, if you can afford it, take those next steps and do bigger things like installing a groundsource heating system or encouraging wind or solar power.   Now, do I look down on folks who don’t do any of this stuff?  Of COURSE NOT!!!  I think they are taking a very short-term view of the world by not engaging in energy saving, but if a person doesn’t want to live that way I’m not going to fault them for it.

3 – I eat meat.  Bacon is my best friend.  I know I shouldn’t.  I know I’m a hypocrite since, if I had to kill the animal myself I wouldn’t do it, but I love me some bacon, some crab, some tuna, some turkey.  I don’t eat veal but if there were a humane way of killing the poor babies, I probably would try it for curiosities sake.  Yes, I’m a terrible person.  :P

So, as you see, not all people who ascribe to that whole “go crossdressers” philosophy are raging vegan femanazi hippies.  I do happen to currently live in California, yes, but that was a purely financial decision.  Prior to this we lived in the heartland and still own a very nice chunk of land out there.

Does your husband borrow your clothes?

Yes and no.  As previously stated, we’re not the same size, so the few times my husband does put on my clothing, it’s generally a touch too big for him.  He’s built like a tiny little delicate flower and I’ve got the body of a French peasant; good for baby-making and rough labor in the fields.  I used to feel jealous but then I realized that when the zombie-apocolypse comes he’ll starve long before I will.  Bwhahaha!  Take that, size 2 jeans!  However, were we more similiar in size, I would have to say that I would be very clear in what was acceptable “borrowing behavior”.  We DO have guidelines set in place for the clothing that he DOES want to borrow and I’ll cover that in a future post.

Would you ever leave him over his crossdressing?

That’s something I’ve thought long and hard about over the years.  There are a few lines I’ve drawn in the sand in regards to this aspect of our lives.  I’ll go over those lines in a future post, but in the interum I can honestly say that so long as those lines aren’t crossed, then I can comfortably see myself staying with Melanie for the long term.  :)   Relationships aren’t easy folks, not even “traditional” ones.  Anyone who tells you that is lying their ass off.  There’s no reason why, if you want to, you can’t make a relationship with a crossdresser or a transgendered individual work.  You just have to want it.

2 Responses to “FAQ”

  1. [...] I’ll post later, though if you want a bare-bones breakdown, you can learn the basics in the FAQ) I was very confused. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, where to [...]